When it comes down to it, I prefer sitting at home with a DVD over going to the cinema, save for the occasional technical juggernaut that warrants a trip to the theater. But part of the reason why I prefer one over the other is the people that come with a cinema. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not better than the next person, but when it comes to my movie-going experience, I prefer peace and quiet (in the environment I’m watching the movie in taht is, not the movie itself) over all else. With that, here are 10 types of movie goers I’ve encountered in my time in Beirut:

1. The Movie Buffs/Critics

You know them. You see them. You’re friends with them. You read their blogs (enno…hopefully). We all have that one friend in the group who will point out things we may have not noticed in a movie: “chefto that long take?,” “look at the picture in the back. It’s foreseeing the entire movie!” And while sometimes it improves our perception of the film, it’s still mostly annoying (guilty). No one likes to be  interrupted while watching a movie. These also come in the form of critics that take movies like We’re The Millers too seriously.

 

2. The Fan-Humans
From the youngsters who fawn over every girl or guy that shows a little skin (I distinctly remember some kids cheering in the cinema when Ansel Elgort showed up sleeveless in The Fault in Our Stars. Nrou2 Chway), to the cinema fans that come to see Wes Anderson‘s latest feature, to the never-ending flock of MARVEL fans that’ll stab you with their kabab sticks if you tell them you haven’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy, movie-goers definitely lose it when their favourites come around, and it’s not pretty.

3. The Patriots

Lebnen wou bas!

Lebanon isn’t a perfect country (far from it, in fact). But I have come to find that it does have its perks. Of course, not everyone shares my stance on this. Some people write it off completely, and then some others embrace it — its good and its bad — with open arms. This transitions into movies. And thus is the third type of Lebanese movie-goers: the patriot who refuses to watch anything but local (sometimes regional) cinema. I’m all for encouraging local cinema and everything, but sometimes movies — local or otherwise — are just awful. But not to the patriot; Vitamin FTW!

  

4. The Selfie Enthusiasts

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, you name it. Most social media outlets out there allow you to post pictures, and in Lebanon (and other countries, I’m sure), where you’ve been is often mistaken for how important you are. In come movie selfies. I can’t begin to express how much it annoys me to be watching a movie, and see a camera flash in the audience. Why? Why would you possibly want to show people you went to watch X movie? Walla no one gives two shits. Even if it weren’t to post, could you not have found a more inconvenient photo-op? Seriously.

5. The Loud People

It’s inevitable. You find them in every theater, be they the overreactors or the annoying people who “whisper” to each other or, of course, those who receive/make calls in the middle of the cinema. You walk into a sad drama, and a bunch of people are going to cry uncontrollably. Sometimes, they’re so loud, the usher has to ask them to take it outside for a minute (up top, CineMall usher, up top). You walk into a horror movie, people will leave the theater out of fear, or stay and yell so loud you’d think a bomb just went off next to you. Calm thyself! Quiet is not in their vocabulary, nor will it be in yours for the next two hours.

  

6. The Couples

I can’t begin to tell you how awkward it is to sit in a theater and hear a couple making out quite vocally a few seats over. Trusted sources have reported that they’d been in situations where there was much more than just making out going on. I don’t understand this. Why would you pay to see a movie if you aren’t even going to watch it? Enno get a room. Seriously. I can help you find a room for a few hours for the price of the tickets you just wasted. It’s all private kaman. I get that you might have urges, but go boom shakalakalaka (for lack of a better term) elsewhere. It’s disrespectful to the people who made the movie and those watching it (at least it is to me, anyway).

7. The Annoying Oversteppers

 

Movies are long. When I’m watching a movie at home, I change seating positions about nine different times, if not my actual seat. Halla2, in movie theaters, you can’t exactly do that. You suck it up and try to be as comfortable as possible because the movie is what matters. In Lebanon, however, people have this habit of resting their feet on the chair of the person sitting on the same seat a row preceeding their’s.

A lot of people do this, mind you, but at least there’s no one sitting on the seat (still wrong, but there is hope) most of the time. How thick does a person have to be to think that it’s completely okay to put their feet on your chair? Ibne, I’m trying to watch a movie. Just because my head doesn’t touch the seat doesn’t give you permission put them next to my skull (granted, the incident still gives me a laugh every once and then).

8. The Lebanese Movie Haters

I don’t get you. I don’t like you.

 

That’s it! These are just eight of the many, many types of movie-goers I’ve personally come across in Lebanon.

Disclaimer: Most of these are just general examples you could see anywhere. Save for a couple, nothing about them is strictly Lebanese. This post is meant to humour you, so don’t take it too seriously. Categorization is a construct, nothing more.

Image Sources: careeraddict.com, mammamia.com.au, youtube.com, movietheaterprices.com, prankbaaz.com

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