“Everly”: when all else fails, duct tape prevails!

It’s been a while since Salma Hayek starred in a leading role of a movie, so lots of people — including myself (because Hot Banditas. No? Okay..) — were excited to see her new film, Everly.

With Hayek in the title role, Everly is about a woman trying to save her daughter and mother from a murderous ex on a killing rampage.

There are few times I have nothing nice to say about a movie. This comes ridiculously close. The only thing I liked about Everly is that for once, the role of the parent trying to save the family is held by a woman, a refreshing twist to the usual: a man saving the day (Hi, Liam Neeson).

Holy pasta, the number of disappointing elements in this movie are endless!

Salma Hayek delivers a mediocre performance as the tough Everly. She fails to captivate the screen and the viewer. The few times I may have thought she died, I really didn’t care that much. I haven’t seen a great deal of movies from the actress, but from what I’ve seen, this is her worst.

The movie takes no time starting from the get go. You’re thrust into the action with guns going off here and there and Japanese (or was it Korean?) mobsters attacking Everly left and right in one appartment. Enter — of course — Regina Hall (Scary Movie) wannabe with a wig and a tacky and fake English accent. Everly kicks ass, of course. And that’s more or less Everly, folks. The rest is a variation of that.

This ties with Fifty Shades of Grey for worst script of the year. Every single cliché you can think of is in this movie. I’m serious. The sob story, the “badass” moments, Everly going cra-cra and miraculously shooting everyone in the apartment with precision. Yaane watch out Chris Kyle, you might have some competition here.

Another thing that bugged me was the shoes. Shoes here, shoes there, shoes  everywhere. The entire first half hour is dedicated to Everly changing shoes in between killings. From heels to kicks to flats, this girl has it all! Are you Jealous? Sponsors, gotta love ’em.

Now to the actual fun.

The Japanese/Korean dude. One of the mafia men attacking her, he’s against her in the beginning, but turns into her only comerade at one point as he slowly dies. Touching. Of course, he’s characterised by being extremely prudent, offering his wisdom gained from being Japanese (I think he was Japanese, not entirely sure). He dies to Japanese traditional music playing in the background. Akid. Way to perpetuate stereotypes.

Everly seems to be the most resilient human being I’ve ever seen in any movie. The girl got scratched with a blade, shot in the abdomen in the beginning of the movie and makes it through the entire one hour and a half run with a hole in her body, shot in the shoulder, cut in the face, but does this phase her? Never! Not when duct-tape is around!  She wraps herself up and BAM. Good as new. Doctors beware, your days may be coming to an end.

The neighbours were pretty funny. I mean, I loved the fact that there was no peep from them when Everly was being shot at, when Everly was shooting at people, or when a small grenade exploded on the floor. But when the police knocked on their doors to ask questions, ou3a! “What’s this racket?” “Why are you bothering me?” So the bombs were whispers. Sure. That makes sense.

My major problem with this movie was the misdirection. The plot and the way it was carried out was disoriented to say the least. You’re thrust into the action from the very beginning and that action never stops. You fail to form any sort of connection with Everly and feel no sympathy for her. In one scene, she takes the time to clean her house in the middle of all the chaos with a man dying on her couch (and does a shitty job at that, mind you). Whether this served as comic relief is irrelevant. It wasn’t funny and was just objectifying Hayek‘s admittedly great physique. It was such a divergence from the main plot — not that there was one. And this happens again and again. Really stupid, irrelevant sequences of scenes doninate the screen and you’re just left wondering why.

With everything said, I must admit that my favourite part of this film was the 4-man army of Japanese Power Rangers.

What in the actual fuck?

In short, Everly is a shitfest that fails to impress on all levels. You NEED to watch it.

RATING: 14/100

Image Sources: en.wikipedia.com, youtube.com, joblo.com, 123wtf.me, flickeringmyth.com, horrornews.net

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